Kat,
really… i hate writing now. I dont even know what to write.
Kat I think im going to stop going to the church
It’s been two weeks… i volunteered to be a teacher
but fuck it.
I swear alot and I find myself judging ppl alot.
I see myself hating on a lot of ppl too.
I see myself wavering, confused and frustrated.
I see myself no longer joyful and spiritual like I once was in life back then.
but then……wow to think that I’ll say this…
I don’t give a shit.
i don’t want to think about it, it hurts my head.
I hate everyone in church although they didn’t do anything.
The only reason i don’t want to go is because
H & Y stopped coming and i have no one to hang out with.
And I know that no one can really help… even if I was in their position.
God? JEsus?
I wonder what he’s up to these days.
i don’t even know.
Lord,
pick me up when I’m tired.
When I’m exhausted as the World continues,
carry me.
In this big world, little world of yours,
I live through the days.
I just realized how all humans live on the earth like seeds grown up on the ground.
and where the seeds fall, they’re not all same places.
some of us fall in difficult places, some easy.
and i was questioning your character.
I still have a long, long way to go.
but Lord, somehow I can’t live without you.
My heart feels weary and you are my Lord, my help,
how can i not seek you?
and all this world mean nothing without you.
So i’m estimating that about 50%of the ppl have cheated in our last quiz, which
was pretty stupid because it was soooo easy.
Yet they were cheating because there wasn’t our teacher, there was a sub,
which doesn’t count as a teacher.
Yes they were cheating, we all think it wasn’t a big deal or whatnot,
but our teacher had a secret camera that was recording us.
Unbelievable!
at the news of it, we all were stupefied and horrified,
our image of the real devil and lunatic teacher drawn inside of our minds.
And in our class, yes she gave us a lecture.
A real lecture, actually. Not a boring one. the one that touched my heart.
She made all of us to write a letter.
Apologies for those who cheated, and anger or unfairness that the people
who didn’t cheat felt.
She said, ” i’m sorry, I’m really, really, sorry, for those of you who didn’t cheat
while others were cheating their grades up. I’m sorry that you feel angry because
while you work to earn your grades, there are others who steal the grades.
I’m sorry because you feel like you can’t say anything to the friends who cheat
on you because you’re afraid to lose the friendship.
And, those of you who cheat, how good of a friend are you? cheating off of your
friend, who put your friend who’s helping you in risk of getting caught, and
just as in same trouble as yourself? Is that the friendship that you value?”
And it continued.
Coming from the devilish teacher that I feared,
it was actually touching.
How good of a friend are we? cheating off of friends. Being scared to refuse.
I understand that there are angry people who were being honest.
As for me, and honestly,
I didn’t really feel angry because i’ve cheated too. Not in this quiz, no,
but in other quizes in other classses, thinking it’s a no big deal, yes I’ve cheated.
And you know, who gives a shit to some sort of classes and their mini quizzes?
But her words actually touched my heart. I’m sure it did the same to others.
And even when so many of us have cheated, when we realized that she had
a camera hidden to record us,
we were busy fueming and criticizing our teacher,
saying how it’s illegal to record a video witout our consent.
(which is false because actaully in a classroom, yes they can record)
As students , we complain all we want and talk behind our teachers’ backs
anyways. And there she was, giving us all this lesson.
I actually appreciate her words today, and today, amazingly she has earned
my respect.
I remember cheating on my Chinese Finals. The class was so easy that I dind’t
mind to study the characters, and there were some I didn’t know.
I boldly had a whole paper full of characters and was cheating.
And yeah she saw me, our eyes met when I was cheating.
She called me to the back, we were talking,
all of sudden I was ashamed, scared, afraid, and I started crying.
She assured me, being such a kind teacher she was,
and she let me off, telling me the time her daughter was cheating and
the consequences she had to suffer.
And I was off the hook.
Call me lucky, but I was so ashamed, and i was thankful.
Back to the original story.
all the criticism and the curses that we wrote on FB,
are all deleted by other students who had a mind to think twice.
we know it is our fault.
it’s only unfair of us, low and immature, or whatever of us
to continue to turn the blames to our teacher.
Blame is on those who cheated, and we all know it.
i feel like I learned something about the attidue i have,
and need to examine mine.
